lesbians

Your City

I’m coming to your city

 

I’m coming to your city. I wasn’t here for years. I’m Looking at the towering boxes rising up high, drawing a graceless skyline. We used to live there together. We had our daughters. We raised them together. Now they are only yours. How many years have I not seen them? You? Will we ever meet again? The taxi passes Netanya intersection. I Remember our first dates. Now I was supposed to call you, inform my location so that you would leave your home to pick me up on time, so I wouldn’t wait too long. Looking at the mobile. Wireless Silence… You are not calling to ask where I am.

I’m getting off at the Kibbutzim College stop. Remember we used to meet there? Looking around. Looking for you. Yearning for you. Maybe you’ll suddenly emerge from somewhere. Maybe you’d travel specifically on this way, maybe you’d notice me and stop your car, calling me to come back into your life… I’m cleaning my sunglasses. The light is so dazzling. I don’t sense you. Maybe you’re not here at all. Maybe you went on a new job again and you aren’t in the country.

The city

I’m meeting Aviv at Azrieli Center. When he offered this place, my heart missed a beat in the memory of us. Opening my bag for the security inspector. I imagine you next to me, then, in those times. You always had some comment to make to him. What is his fault that this is his job, I used to ask you, why are you making it more difficult for him? Open your bag quietly and move on, I would ask.

You moved on, I guess. I don’t think you remember, like me, what was between us. I don’t think that you avoid visiting our “places” or getting excited about them. They were yours before they became “ours”. You probably returned to the routine of your life, the ones you were full of before you met me, before you shared with me your private space, before the girls, before you expelled me from your life, before all the mess…

Aviv comes and bends down to kiss me on my cheeks, pausing and smiling at the sight, how I stretch myself on my fingertips to reach him. Using the short distance between us to stroke his cheek before he straightens. Good boy, Aviv, caring, thoughtful. Both him and his brothers, my biological children, you have banished, cut them off from their sisters, preventing the children from being an extended family. A shame, but that’s how it is. The biological mother has rights and I, as the extra mom, who raised them for ten years, has nothing to say in the matter. Just to replace the bandages in my heart, bleeding constantly from where you tore the girls from.

Aviv is in a hurry for his shift, and I’m going to a work meeting. Perhaps I’ll manage to make some business from it. I want to pour new content to my life. Nurit said it would distract me from being stuck with you. I don’t think so. If I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind so far, I don’t think I’ll ever succeed. Although there are surprises in life…

Walking slowly through the streets of the city, looking at the display windows and my image reflected on them. Craving for you. I didn’t think the wounds would open again. I thought I was over you already. Though, actually, not so bad. At least they don’t bleed much. A small consolation?

I finished my business. I’m taking the bus to Ramat Aviv Junction, that is opposite to the Kibbutzim College. I remember how you used to drop me off in the mornings a half hour walk to here. I would walk slowly, biting my lips with longing at you (yes, already!), trying to distract myself from the heavy load hanging on my back.

And Hagar didn’t want to come to the mountain…

Waiting for a taxi to take me home, to my hills. How did you name the place I live – Jazmin’s mountain. Not really a mountain, Hagar, just a few scattered hills on which my settlement lies. Probably to you, my dwelling looks like a mountain. And Hagar didn’t want to come to the mountain…

Standing at the bus stop, looking at the road, hallucinating. Maybe you’re passing by in your car, maybe you’re standing at the opposite traffic light, sending an indifferent gaze at my direction, maybe your eyes are passing on me and moving on, maybe you’re seeing me suddenly, maybe your brain is enclosing the bits of information it contains and you realize it’s me, Jazmin, who was once yours… But the traffic light changes to green and your amazed eyes are forced to detach from my direction against their will, as the shriek of the car behind you speeding you to drive on… The sound of the horn catches my attention, maybe through the taxi windows that takes me away from here our gazes meet… Maybe.

Leaving your town. Looking back from time to time, as if I’m engraving your city into my memory. Your memory. Shutting you down. Locking my heart from you. Should I drop the key?

Hallucinating words

 

Coming Out / Last Part

 

Diana RossI’m Coming Out

 

Jazmin curled up in the familiar warmth, instinctively clinging to her protective tenderness, a cheek rubbing at her mother’s chest as she used to do as a child, when she came to indulge oneself at her.

“My puppy,” Ronit growled, kissing her hair warmly, “I feel like eating you, may I take a bite?”

Jazmin smiled. The ceremony was familiar. Her mother was constantly chasing her children, to gash her teeth in them and bite enjoyable bites of them. She remembered how she used to cover her face to protect her cheeks which were in risk. It started with bites in the feet and hips while changing their diapers. As they grew up, there were bites of hands, bites of arms, but the sweetest, according to Ronit’s exuberant proclamations, were those of the cheeks. “Juicy like ripe apples, oh… delicious!” She was dripping with saliva. They burst out laughing, savouring the fond memories. Suddenly, a cloud passed through Jazmin’s face, unravelling the ancient mother-daughter bond.

“What?” What went into her now?

“Nothing…”

“Your face doesn’t look like nothing. You’re sad again. Or angry, or whatever it might be. I thought that you recovered.”

“I…” Her hands moved restlessly, trying to shape the words her mind conceived. “It… I can’t help but think that… that…”

“That what?”

How do they do it? Does she chase after Or as well to take bites off her body? A jab of jealousy passed through her heart. This awful woman is going to take my mom away from me and I’ll sit aside and shut up? No! I have to fight! Is she missing her mother, that she’d come to snatch mine?

Ronit held her chin, raising her face to her. ” That what?” She repeated.

“She’s probably an orphan, if she’s chasing you.” Jazmin wringed her hands, pressing hard against the crackling fingers.

Before Ronit could tell her not to do so, Sa’ar enters the kitchen. “Hi you!” His face was smiling.

“Bye you!” They both answered as in a practiced chorus. A shadow of a smile came over Ronit’s face. Jazmin kept her expression frozen.

“What’s going on?”

Your mom decided to be a lesbian and embarrass us, that’s what’s going on. Jazmin pressed her finger to her lips, making sure the words did not escape from among them.

“I need to talk to you. Can you sit for a moment?”

Saar gazed at his mother.

“I already informed Jazmin. Or is coming to live here.”

“Where? In dad’s study? Do you rent her a room?” Ronit looked out of the corner of her eye at Jazmin and smiled.

“What are you smiling at? The phone card is working slowly for him. Wait when he understands what’s really going to happen here.”

“What’s going to happen? Something happened? What?” He shifted his gaze from his mother to his sister and returned to look at his mother, all confused.

“Come on, tell him already and we’ll be done with it.”

“Or is moving in with me. We love each other and…”

Jazmin puffed her cheeks impatiently: “What our dear mother wants to say is that she suddenly came to a decision that she was a lesbian and Or was her lover. That’s what happened. Now you see?”

“Ah, that? Foo,” he exhaled in relief, “you scared me, you two. I thought you had cancer or something, that you needed Or here to take care of you. What are you making an issue out of it?” He turned to his sister, “You heard what she said – they love each other.”

Jazmin submissively raised her hands in surrender and left the kitchen.

 

Hallucinating words

It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 5

Carrie Underwood, Martina, Kacy, Jennifer & Reba – I Will Always Love You

 

And if that was not enough, R left me too. In a car accident. Two disasters in the same month. And again, I was left alone. Naturally. It seems that this is my natural status. Loneliness. And I longed for the both of you and I called you and I cried out for you two, but you did not come to me. I could not bear the pain. I was not strong enough. Again, I moved. Again, I changed my work. And I did not know you anymore. I erased you from my life. I uprooted you from my heart. It was not easy. Shall I tell you about the horrible dark nights, when I cried out for R to watch over me from the place she was at, to help me get over you? Do you want to know how it feels in the morning dressing the wounds of my heart, because I must go to work, and the minute I return to my own four walls, to discover that the bandages are soiled again? That the bleeding cannot be stopped? To hear the songs that we loved and climb on the walls? Time and again to fantasize you finding me in the place I ran away to, and you come and bring me back to the country I was doomed to see from a distance, yearningly? And the sense of what could have been? Knowing that one day, maybe in a million years, maybe in another world, you would wake up and tell yourself that you did us both wrong? That you are sorry? That you don’t know what has come over you? Finding myself standing next to the silent instrument, forcefully tying my hands together, not to call you? And memorize and forever remember that last look you gave me the day you told me you need your space back, after the weekend – when you lit that old fire in me again. That you mislead me to think things would be as before, and what happened was only a crisis, that’s all. The gaze that said you no longer want me.

 

A year. Look how time passes. A year already since you told me to get out of your living space. A year since my world collapsed. A year. This time a year ago, my world collapsed into tiny pieces. And there was no one to help me gather them. I had no one with me to help and support during the mourning of your departure. And time, as usual, kept moving on…

So, I wish to tell you, that’s it. I don’t need bandages anymore. Sometimes maybe a band aid now and then, when I see someone who reminds me of you, or when I read an exciting love scene in a book, or smell your perfume on a stranger… I no longer crash. And when the radio plays “our song”, my heart keeps beating. Regularly.

In two weeks there will be a memorial service for R. And I’ll come to her resting-place and I’ll express my longing for her and tell her I already got over you. And she will probably look at me from above and smile, and then whisper to me, like she used to: Good. I’m glad.

 

Dame Judi Dench – Send in the Clowns

 

Hallucinating words

It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 4

 

Florence + The Machine – You’ve Got the Love

 

Our weekly rendezvous, sometimes in your town, sometimes in mine, while your hand did not leave mine… Your soft, sweet, little hand. The departures that cruelly cut off our desire to stay together longer. That always ended with a kiss that left me craving for you with all my heart and soul… Our mobiles that smoked of… How sweet nostalgia is…

Our first night. I invited you over for the weekend. It was not easy. I did not know what I should do. Did not know if I’ll be in the mood… What I would desire… What you would… You arrived on Thursday after work. Once again, I escorted you on your way. This time – to me. I go down to wait for you. My heart is pounding strongly when you tell where you are, and I steer you to turn into the cross-road, the third turn to the right, then immediately to the left and left again, and here is your car and I point at an empty parking space. Faraway from the evil eye of the parking ticketers.

I am holding the handle of your car door and open it. You step out. I look into your eyes. You gaze at mine. My whole world focuses on you. In the magic that you are. Smiling. You take out your bag. I am taking your hand and we go up to my place. To my living space, that will also become yours in the next months.

The memories are so vivid. Even now, through the pain, the shock, the bleeding wound. Still. I open the door, step aside and invite you in. And from the moment the door is closed… Goodness, is there anything in the world that could equal to what we had between us? And what was going on between us? My whole world was shaken. You and I amid a white cloud. I bite my lips until they bleed while you show me your magic love. The fire burst in me, the burning flames, the bed sheets are on fire. And the smoke. Ho, the smoke. It billows up-up on to all seven heavens, lifts us to spheres I have never known existence.

I gave myself to you. I thought it would last forever… I thought that… What does it matter now what I thought. It did not happen. Four months of love you gave me. Four months in which we saturated our nights with love and talks and fun. When I recall it now, I wonder how we withstood those sleepless nights. We were intoxicated. With love. And sometimes we touched grief, those dark places in our lives we did not dare tell another soul. We were best of friends, very close. Our souls merged. We used to get up early, eat breakfast together and each went off to her job. At times, we stepped out of our four private walls. Sometimes, you stayed in your town, at your home. Sometimes, you invited me to your place. Other times, we allowed ourselves to give each other space and spent time separately each with our own friends. You introduced me to some of yours. You never manage to meet R. It did not happen. Perhaps deliberately. I don’t know. Maybe you did not deserve to know her.

You rationed me four months of euphoria and it seems you had enough. Suddenly, you found out that what charmed you in me at the beginning, does not suit you anymore. It’s not that you have changed. You sobered up. That’s what you said. And I used to stare at you with embarrassed lamb eyes and swallow the insult. All of a sudden, there was no heat anymore, no desire to be with me. As if all we had between us just faded away. As if nothing was there. It went up in flames. No firebrand left in you. And me… My life ended. I could not comprehend how love can fade away. Especially love like this. You wanted us to stay friends. You said it is possible because you treasure our touching each other’s soul. That you care for me. That you don’t want to cut our relationship off. It took me a while. A lot of time. But I could not understand this separation. The severance of love and a friendly relationship. How to separate one sanctity from another. Because it can’t be otherwise between us. And I could not accept it. Each time you tried to talk to me, each time I found you waiting at my door, each time you touched me, each time you made love to me… I bled. I could not really understand what it is that you wanted from me. You said your love for me has faded, so how come you wanted to make love to me? You turned my world upside down. I asked you to leave me alone. I begged you to spare me because I couldn’t bear the ambiguousness of this incomprehensible tango. One step forward and two backward. Brings me closer and pushes away. Teasing. You were teasing me, lady!

Part 5 coming up on 1.5.20

Hallucinating words

It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 3

Glenn Close, Judy Davis – Serving in Silence

 

When one door closes, another opens. Indeed, not always, but it happened to me. Someone nice from work, maybe my sad being touched her heart, invited me for coffee… and it seemed to be the beginning of a wonderful friendship… Such as I missed since I moved from my previous place and life. You know, sometimes there’s a click between people. A click that turns them into best friends, such that never divorces each other and it does not matter who or what comes between them. Not even a man.

She advised me as to what I should do. Remember the fax I “made a mistake with” and instead of faxing to someone else, it arrived on your machine? I have never revealed to you that it was planned. I never had the chance. And it started a new cycle of a magnificent telephone connection. You have suddenly realized that you missed me (so you said), but you were afraid to get in touch because you thought I was mad at you and you even imagined that I would hang up on you. You blessed my “mistake” and we returned to our sleepless nights. You did not give the internet up. You juggled between us. And I felt ok with that.

Again, you suggested we should meet. You said it does not make sense that we know each other for such a long time, nine months already, and we have not seen each other yet. Nine months of euphoria… I did not know what to do. I feared. No. Fear is an understatement. I was scared. I trembled. Great horror grabbed me and would not let go. I was terrified. And what if you won’t like me? You persuaded me that such a thing could not happen, you are not impressed by appearances, especially since we shared our souls so deeply on our sleepless nights. And besides, you added, we are not getting married, it’s not a blind date J You did not ease my doubts, but I could not resist anymore. You and your magnificent persuasion skills. You, whose profession was public relations, no wonder…

I will always treasure the day we met… Wednesday, five in the afternoon. The moment I laid my eyes on you – I knew something in me had changed. That I’ll never be the same. And it seems that that was the beginning of something special. I did not know then what it was exactly. We did not pay attention to the time and suddenly it was night and you had to go home, which was outside my zip code, half an hour away. I accompanied you to your car, holding in my hand (and in my heart) another moment with you, a few more minutes… We stood there silently, in the underground parking lot of the mall. After all the words we poured into each other’s ears, we did not wish to talk anymore. We looked deeply in each other’s eyes, yours with the flowing honey that streamed directly into my beating heart, enveloping it with magnificent sweetness… Suddenly you extended your arms and I sank into them… And before I could gather my confused mind because of the wonderful warmth that was beaming from you, you kissed my lips… The kiss went on and on and on… I was extremely excited. The first kiss ever from a woman.

And suddenly… suddenly I understood that everything that happened in my life until now, led me to experience this kiss. Two marriages, two divorces, and empty relationships with men who did not appeal to me in between. And that kiss of yours was what I have searched for all my life, that my whole life was aimed towards… And it seems that it was the beginning of a special love. I fell in love. With you. You conquered me.

We said goodbye, but did not separate. I remained standing there, staring at the curve where your car disappeared, unable to make myself move. I accompanied you on your way home. I escorted you on your way through our mobiles. And when you arrived home safely, you asked me to avoid spending the night in the parking lot… And now it was your turn to accompany me through my way home…

You asked if I was all right. I did not know for sure. I only knew that I was seriously in love. With a woman. For the first time in my life. Seriously smitten way over my head. Madly. And I knew what they call it. And I did not mind, because what flooded over me was the rightest thing I have ever felt my entire life. And I am no longer a spring chicken. And I had experienced a lot. And I have never really loved. I went through the motions, imitated the steps, played the game, but did not feel. My heart was never ever filled like this with this warm feeling.

Of course I told my girlfriend. This is what we have friends for. And she accepted it with such understanding, with such empathy, and she was happy her advice worked and I found love due to it. Days of bliss and nights of a joyous heart. Of coming home, taking a shower, making myself something tasty to eat, staring at the television and daydreaming about you. I sense you in my bones. Sometimes I even talked to you, as if you were present, sharing my life. Your invisible image was soaring in my apartment. I was not alone anymore.

Part 4 coming up on 27.4.20

Hallucinating words

It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 2

Kristin Chenoweth – Maybe This Time

 

Three more months had passed. Magnificent. Coming home from work, waiting impatiently for the time to pass until you called. You did not always call. Sometimes you went out and when you came back late, you did not want to disturb my sleep. If only you knew how I tossed and turned restlessly in my bed, because I did not get my expected dose… I never told you this. I did not have the chance. And our conversations… Oh, we talked and talked and talked… There is so much to talk about and it seems that we were blessed with nine point nine of this ability, and barely left anything to others. How many sleepless nights we had together… And in the morning I went to work with such joy, with such exultation… In the office they thought that I’m in love.

And then you connected to the internet, and that was the beginning of the end. Too many times you chose to spend the night there instead of talking to me. And when I would call you, which caused you to be cut off, you became angry and waved me away. The third time it happened, I understood that you are not interested in me, so I stopped calling.

A month passed. A nightmare of a month. A horrible month. A month of terrible loneliness. A month of coming home full of hope that maybe this time… But the fax machine was empty and the phone did not ring. I understood that I must exclude you of my craving. After all, what have we got here? A wrong number, an exchange of information (indeed, interesting and it’s a shame it ended), magnificent conversations into the night and… emptiness. You have erased me from your life as if I was never there. What should I do? How could one get over an addiction?

Part 3 coming up on 24.4.20

Hallucinating words

It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 1

Or all of the Above… You may choose the title that suits you. I no longer have the patience for the small details.

Indigo Girls – Least Complicated

It has been a year since you told me to exit your living space. A year since my world fell apart. A year.

We met. You, readers, would probably be surprised to know where we met – on the fax machine… Of all the places in the world. Not during a chat, not in a forum, not in a pub, nor by any other means – only via the fax. And by accident. She meant to send something to a friend and for some reason dialed my number. Of all the numbers in the world. And mind you – I am in a different dial zone.

I have my manners, so I faxed back to her to let her know that she got the wrong number, then she replied and I answered… and it seemed to be the beginning of a wonderful friendship… Three months of communication via fax. Three months of getting home from work and first thing looking for a fax from her. The emptiness inside the heart when nothing was there. The exulting joy when noticing the slanting train… like a bridal veil.

And the subjects we discussed – a whole world. There was not one issue we avoided. When one of them was exhausted, immediately another emerged, and when that was covered, we found a third and a fourth and a fifth and… like a fountainhead. I think an encyclopedia could be written from all the information we exchanged. I found it very interesting. You said the same. I got used to this daily fax so much, to the excitement of receiving it, to the time passed by answering it. Searching for sources to strengthen my arguments and rationales, learning new things, such as in class in which you choose the topics you are interested in and how much fun it is to study…

And then you asked to meet, and I said it is inadvisable. Why spoil something wonderful? I feared that if our meeting won’t be successful, I could lose you. I would lose the only connection between myself and the outside world, the one not related to work. I have just been through a painful and exhausting divorce, and I moved to a new place, as far as I could from my previous life. Because of the geographical distance, I lost my closest friends, on whose shoulders I could cry in times of distress, to whom I could jump for ‘a casual cup of coffee’, to be together. Talking on the phone, was not the same and a telephonic hug was not enough. Not what I needed. I tried to start my life afresh.

You suggested that we should at least talk on the phone. I accepted, but not easily. I have no idea why. Perhaps because of your magnificent persuasion skills… We set a precise time when you will call. I will forever treasure the day and time in my heart… Friday, nine o’clock. And precisely at the time we agreed upon, the telephone rang and… it seemed to be the beginning of a wonderful conversation.

Part 2 coming up on 20.4.20

Hallucinating words

The Last Summer

Last Summer

The last summer evidently wasn’t a good one for us due to the blazing heat wave it sent, biting down on us with all its might, searing everything. I love the warmth of a heat wave, but this one was sapped all my strength. It wore us out, it whipped us down, it sucked the essence of life from us completely, roasting us alive.

We shared one winter, when we met, and one summer, when we parted, and in the middle – a blossoming spring. A short affair, not satisfying, not what I was looking for at all.

Two ripe women sheltered in a car in the dark, empty street, exploring each other cautiously, searching for affection. The rain is getting stronger, striking hard, shaking everything around. We were not cold and not because of the heating in the car. Aflame from your touch I prayed it would never end. I hoped that you were the one, my Basherte. I imagined us both living under the same roof, our lives flowing with wealth, health and happiness. Forever.

First coffee in the morning, the round sesame bun warmed up by you for me, with tasty, melted chocolate spread on it; the warm, loving hug, the dinner I prepared for us, and in between – the laughs, the small talk, the phone calls between the chores, your work, my work… Life meandered on.

 

Spring in Paris. The city is welcoming us with blooming little flowers, covering the rough pavements. Their intoxicating aroma is floating in the warm air. We stroll around La Rive Gauche. Simone de Beauvoir lived here. She probably walked in these streets, wandered around the coffee shops, sat in them pondering deeply clever thoughts which she turned into words written in important books. The intense enthusiasm you show when telling me about her, your hand around my shoulders. I gaze into your eyes. How much I love you! How long will it last? I wish forever!

 

During the following summer, you wandered around restlessly, clandestinely packing your remnants. There was no hope anymore. What is left to say to each other? Gurnisht. I’m trying to wash your words clean, to remove the stinging salt from them, salted wounds that open again and again, preventing them from healing.

“Where did you put my dongle?” You ask insistently after days of uncomfortable silences.

Since when am I in charge of putting your belongings in order, I ask in my heart, preferring to hide myself in silence, not dignifying you with an answer. Oh, what an appropriate answer I have for you! Go away! Go away! Go!!! Get the hell out of my life!!!

The fireball in the sky glittered intensely, silently burning everything in its path. Between us words were extinguished, never came back. There was no point anymore. The echo of your words… Fine golden sand grinding between my broken teeth, cracking my dry lips.

 

That was the last summer. Afterwards there came an eternal winter, grey-white, blinding, freezing.

 

Last Summer
Last Summer

Hallucinating words

London Leaves / Epilogue

The crowd had scattered away
The crowd had scattered away

Novella in several parts (epilogue)

Epilogue

The heavy rain was pouring down massively, as the paramedics made their way between the small crowd, and bent down towards the woman lying there. She was frozen. They could not establish if she was still breathing. They checked her pulse. After a few moments, an unclear beat was pounding vaguely, but they were not sure she could make it. They gazed at each other, wondering: should they try to warm her with some blankets, or with a warm IV[1]?

The crowd had scattered away. People don’t have too much patience these days for others, nor to be in one place to a large extent. Why would they care about a stranger? She was not related to them.

One of the paramedics put her ear close to the anonymous mouth, as no vapours were shown in the freezing air. Nothing. She was to rise and stand up, as she saw the woman’s lips moving. She bent again. “What, love?” she tried hard to hear.

“Ja…z…m…in”, said the stranger with her last breath, whispering. “I…s…ra…e…l…”

[1] Shorten for intravenous

London Leaves / C – We (Us) 4

For ever and more
For ever and more

Novella in several parts (last part is due the coming week)

C

We (Us)

4

At Last

They were standing on the hill overlooking the sea, the magic rustle of the wavelets beneath, float jointly with holy words the Rabba chanted, accompanied by the gathering of people: family members, friends. Two women stood under the silky purple Chupa,[1] getting together for life, for better and best, for health and wealth. A tender breeze glided softly, caressing the excited faces. At last, they came to express their love officially, publicly.

At last. Etta James promised that the lonely days were gone, as she found the dream she could call her own. “At last”, Sara’le sang the words she knew by heart, as she was praying those most of her adult life.

“Mazel Tov[2], Mazel Tov!” People burst in blessing the newly wedded warmly, as the Rabba finished the ceremony with hope the couple will live happily ever after.

Jazmin took Sara’le in her arms and hugged her, holding her tightly, pressing her to her heart. “My wife”, she whispered into her beloved one’s ears, “my woman, for ever and ever.”

“For ever and more”, corrected Sara’le, “and not even one day before.”

[1] Hebrew: canopy (used at Jewish weddings)

[2] Hebrew: Good luck!