lesbian storytelling

Trees Are Burned Standing Upright

Trees are burned standing upright


It’s hot. Miri and I are in the car. She is driving; I lick the ice-cream (how would you like it, in a cup or in a wafer, asked the cute lady ice cream vendor. In a cup, I answered, I like to consume the wafer when it gets wet from the ice-cream). The wafer is nearly eaten. Miri tosses a gaze aside. A smile decorates her face.

“What?” I ask. What makes her laugh in this heat?

“Your face, like a little child. All your face is covered with chocolate.”

I smile, “What, only now you discovered that I’m a little girl?”

“You brownie”, she says and becomes silent.

The van turns left, onto the panoramic road. The ice-cream lies on my tongue and sweetens my life. A lorry passes on the route ahead. A few seconds before, I notice the hand of the driver moving outside his window. A few seconds later, we notice a tongue of fire igniting on our side of the road.

Miri stops immediately and we hurry to get out of the car, trying to find something to hold on to, something that will put out the spreading flame. It’s quite high and it’s not possible to step on it to extinguish it. Sssss, the crackling wildfire whispers towards the dry thorns, sssss, you are soooooo tasty… I’ll consume you without even any salt, sssss…

Trees are burned standing upright
The glove survived though

Today of all days, we didn’t take the jerrycan of water with us. Miri calls the fire department and summons them urgently to us. It will take at least a half an hour until they arrive and in the meantime the fire escalates. Drivers stop by to look and we ask them for a means to kill the fire, a fire extinguisher, water, something to work with. The grove can still be saved.

The trees stare helplessly at the disaster approaching with the speed of the wind. These are young trees. The ancient ones were destroyed two years ago in a previous fire. I can hear them rustle, shouting out loud with their silent voices, which are heard from the one end of the world to the other end: “Help! Help!! Helpppppppp!!!”

I was helpless, unable to assist.


And then, Sara’le came to lick the chocolate off of my face and comfort the salty tears.


Hallucinating words

I came back from Running Errands

Yoni Rechter & Arik Einstein – Lady with Baskets


I came back from running errands. The princess was sitting on the hewed palm tree in our building’s garden, probably waiting for me.

When I left the house, it was warm and cozy. A light breeze blew most of the time, rising occasionally and if it wasn’t for the hat to my head laced with a lanyard, she would have flung it on me and ruffled my hair. If it wasn’t for the wind, I would set the weather as perfect and pray that it will stay that way all the time

The errands went fast, so I didn’t delay much. All in all, it took me an hour, I went out and went back. What takes time is the preparations before, and especially after. Before leaving the house, the mask must be worn. This is not a pleasant act, but there is no choice. I have no desire to pay a 200 ILS fine for not wearing a mask. When back, it is to go straight into the shower to purify myself from the street. It has always been – the disinfection from the street at all seasons, but in these Corona days, all the more so, even more than seven times over.

‘What is she doing on the tree?’ I think to myself. Although I wanted to show her that I noticed her, I have no intention of waving to her. I walk past my neighbour and smile at him. He smiles back at me. If he noticed me waving to the air, he might doubt my sanity. That doesn’t me.

“I was waiting for you, what did you think I was doing here?” She explains to me. I take a quick look at the neighbour to see if he can hear her. “He can’t hear or see me, you don’t have to worry.” She reassures me. I stifle the sigh of relief that almost escapes my mouth. It’s not appropriate to release sighs in the neighbour’s ears.

I go up the stairs and open the door. She does not go up after me. She doesn’t have to, because she can enter my house without using the stairs. I didn’t know what her plans were and how long she intended to stay. She is always unexpected. The wind blowing outside has no trace inside the apartment. It maintained a normal, warm temperature, such that suited me. “If I hadn’t known you, I would have commented that it’s hot here,” she comments. ‘But you know me’, I think to myself. “Yes indeed, definitely,” she replies. “May I help you with the groceries? I can arrange them for you and you can go to shower. Would you like me to do it?” Of course I want to, that’s a relief for me. It’s nice to have help.


Hallucinating words

Your City

I’m coming to your city


I’m coming to your city. I wasn’t here for years. I’m Looking at the towering boxes rising up high, drawing a graceless skyline. We used to live there together. We had our daughters. We raised them together. Now they are only yours. How many years have I not seen them? You? Will we ever meet again? The taxi passes Netanya intersection. I Remember our first dates. Now I was supposed to call you, inform my location so that you would leave your home to pick me up on time, so I wouldn’t wait too long. Looking at the mobile. Wireless Silence… You are not calling to ask where I am.

I’m getting off at the Kibbutzim College stop. Remember we used to meet there? Looking around. Looking for you. Yearning for you. Maybe you’ll suddenly emerge from somewhere. Maybe you’d travel specifically on this way, maybe you’d notice me and stop your car, calling me to come back into your life… I’m cleaning my sunglasses. The light is so dazzling. I don’t sense you. Maybe you’re not here at all. Maybe you went on a new job again and you aren’t in the country.

The city

I’m meeting Aviv at Azrieli Center. When he offered this place, my heart missed a beat in the memory of us. Opening my bag for the security inspector. I imagine you next to me, then, in those times. You always had some comment to make to him. What is his fault that this is his job, I used to ask you, why are you making it more difficult for him? Open your bag quietly and move on, I would ask.

You moved on, I guess. I don’t think you remember, like me, what was between us. I don’t think that you avoid visiting our “places” or getting excited about them. They were yours before they became “ours”. You probably returned to the routine of your life, the ones you were full of before you met me, before you shared with me your private space, before the girls, before you expelled me from your life, before all the mess…

Aviv comes and bends down to kiss me on my cheeks, pausing and smiling at the sight, how I stretch myself on my fingertips to reach him. Using the short distance between us to stroke his cheek before he straightens. Good boy, Aviv, caring, thoughtful. Both him and his brothers, my biological children, you have banished, cut them off from their sisters, preventing the children from being an extended family. A shame, but that’s how it is. The biological mother has rights and I, as the extra mom, who raised them for ten years, has nothing to say in the matter. Just to replace the bandages in my heart, bleeding constantly from where you tore the girls from.

Aviv is in a hurry for his shift, and I’m going to a work meeting. Perhaps I’ll manage to make some business from it. I want to pour new content to my life. Nurit said it would distract me from being stuck with you. I don’t think so. If I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind so far, I don’t think I’ll ever succeed. Although there are surprises in life…

Walking slowly through the streets of the city, looking at the display windows and my image reflected on them. Craving for you. I didn’t think the wounds would open again. I thought I was over you already. Though, actually, not so bad. At least they don’t bleed much. A small consolation?

I finished my business. I’m taking the bus to Ramat Aviv Junction, that is opposite to the Kibbutzim College. I remember how you used to drop me off in the mornings a half hour walk to here. I would walk slowly, biting my lips with longing at you (yes, already!), trying to distract myself from the heavy load hanging on my back.

And Hagar didn’t want to come to the mountain…

Waiting for a taxi to take me home, to my hills. How did you name the place I live – Jazmin’s mountain. Not really a mountain, Hagar, just a few scattered hills on which my settlement lies. Probably to you, my dwelling looks like a mountain. And Hagar didn’t want to come to the mountain…

Standing at the bus stop, looking at the road, hallucinating. Maybe you’re passing by in your car, maybe you’re standing at the opposite traffic light, sending an indifferent gaze at my direction, maybe your eyes are passing on me and moving on, maybe you’re seeing me suddenly, maybe your brain is enclosing the bits of information it contains and you realize it’s me, Jazmin, who was once yours… But the traffic light changes to green and your amazed eyes are forced to detach from my direction against their will, as the shriek of the car behind you speeding you to drive on… The sound of the horn catches my attention, maybe through the taxi windows that takes me away from here our gazes meet… Maybe.

Leaving your town. Looking back from time to time, as if I’m engraving your city into my memory. Your memory. Shutting you down. Locking my heart from you. Should I drop the key?

Hallucinating words


Coming Out / Last Part


Diana RossI’m Coming Out


Jazmin curled up in the familiar warmth, instinctively clinging to her protective tenderness, a cheek rubbing at her mother’s chest as she used to do as a child, when she came to indulge oneself at her.

“My puppy,” Ronit growled, kissing her hair warmly, “I feel like eating you, may I take a bite?”

Jazmin smiled. The ceremony was familiar. Her mother was constantly chasing her children, to gash her teeth in them and bite enjoyable bites of them. She remembered how she used to cover her face to protect her cheeks which were in risk. It started with bites in the feet and hips while changing their diapers. As they grew up, there were bites of hands, bites of arms, but the sweetest, according to Ronit’s exuberant proclamations, were those of the cheeks. “Juicy like ripe apples, oh… delicious!” She was dripping with saliva. They burst out laughing, savouring the fond memories. Suddenly, a cloud passed through Jazmin’s face, unravelling the ancient mother-daughter bond.

“What?” What went into her now?


“Your face doesn’t look like nothing. You’re sad again. Or angry, or whatever it might be. I thought that you recovered.”

“I…” Her hands moved restlessly, trying to shape the words her mind conceived. “It… I can’t help but think that… that…”

“That what?”

How do they do it? Does she chase after Or as well to take bites off her body? A jab of jealousy passed through her heart. This awful woman is going to take my mom away from me and I’ll sit aside and shut up? No! I have to fight! Is she missing her mother, that she’d come to snatch mine?

Ronit held her chin, raising her face to her. ” That what?” She repeated.

“She’s probably an orphan, if she’s chasing you.” Jazmin wringed her hands, pressing hard against the crackling fingers.

Before Ronit could tell her not to do so, Sa’ar enters the kitchen. “Hi you!” His face was smiling.

“Bye you!” They both answered as in a practiced chorus. A shadow of a smile came over Ronit’s face. Jazmin kept her expression frozen.

“What’s going on?”

Your mom decided to be a lesbian and embarrass us, that’s what’s going on. Jazmin pressed her finger to her lips, making sure the words did not escape from among them.

“I need to talk to you. Can you sit for a moment?”

Saar gazed at his mother.

“I already informed Jazmin. Or is coming to live here.”

“Where? In dad’s study? Do you rent her a room?” Ronit looked out of the corner of her eye at Jazmin and smiled.

“What are you smiling at? The phone card is working slowly for him. Wait when he understands what’s really going to happen here.”

“What’s going to happen? Something happened? What?” He shifted his gaze from his mother to his sister and returned to look at his mother, all confused.

“Come on, tell him already and we’ll be done with it.”

“Or is moving in with me. We love each other and…”

Jazmin puffed her cheeks impatiently: “What our dear mother wants to say is that she suddenly came to a decision that she was a lesbian and Or was her lover. That’s what happened. Now you see?”

“Ah, that? Foo,” he exhaled in relief, “you scared me, you two. I thought you had cancer or something, that you needed Or here to take care of you. What are you making an issue out of it?” He turned to his sister, “You heard what she said – they love each other.”

Jazmin submissively raised her hands in surrender and left the kitchen.


Hallucinating words

Coming Out / Part 2

Ana Carolina – Não Tem no Mapa (Not on the Map)


“Please rise above the anger you are probably feeling right now and try to be nice to Or so that she’d feel welcome. Do you think you can do it?”

Jazmin looked at her mother mockingly: “You want me to act hypocritically. All the years you have taught me to be honest, don’t fit your situation now, so you change the rules. Brilliant. Really valued consistent!”

“I suggest you stop this cynicism. It doesn’t lead anywhere. Surely not conducive to the atmosphere.”

“What do you want? You come and drop an atomic bomb and expect me to get it calmly? You don’t consult, you don’t ask. Nothing! Like we’re not your children and we have no opinion. We live here too and it’s our right to voice our opinion!”

“Jazmin, I’m sorry you feel that way. I didn’t think you would react like this. I was sure you would understand. I didn’t think that…”

“You didn’t think, you didn’t think, of course you didn’t! You were busy with…” Her mother’s piercing look made her stop the sharp things waiting on her lips. She raised her hand and dropped it contemptuously. “Ouch, there’s no point in talking. You’ve decided already and there’s nothing to do, right?”

“Jazmin… my sweet Jazmin, I didn’t expect such a reaction from you.” So, in the end, turns out that implanting values ​​is one thing, but the impact of the environment is stronger? All the efforts we make throughout our lives to educate our children to go the way we think is right, humane (wumane is better), just go down the drain when they need to digest something different in their immediate environment? Do the values ​​we planted in them fade when it comes to the closest people to them? So it’s not worth it at all. Why bother and spit blood on their education? We haven’t achieved anything. She gave her daughter a thoughtful gaze. Her flesh and blood gave her back two sharpened daggers. She’s not guilty. It’s probably my failure, that I failed to pass it to her, that most important in life (other than money) is love. That intimate, deep, wonderful emotion between people who love and no matter what gender they are – same-sex, bisexual, queer or…

Last part on 15.5.20

Hallucinating words

Coming Out / Part 1

Petshop Boys & Dusty SpringfieldWhat Have I Done to Deserve This

A story in 3 parts

“You’re not really going to do that!” The anger and insult in Jazmin’s voice could not be ignored. “So that’s why you deported dad from home so you can get a lover in his place?” When the hell did that happen to her? When was she able to “fall in love” with that woman? They never… they always behaved normally. I didn’t catch them in awkward situations… Occasionally Or would stay the night, but I never thought they did it… I always thought it was like I would bring my girlfriends to sleep over. I was sure that because they worked together, they preferred to conduct their discussions or consultations or whatever, in a homely atmosphere, rather than in the office. I would never have imagined that all this time they would f…

“Don’t talk like that! You know that’s not true. I didn’t expel your dad. It was a mutual decision of two people who realized there was no point in their life together.”

“Do you think I buy it? No way! You expelled him so you can live with this woman!” And now you’ve ruined my life completely. How did I not notice that they were holding hands? I always thought it was such an innocence, out of friendship. Friendship, not something else! My mom is a Lesbian! Phew! Why is she doing this to me? I never caught them kissing or anything, but if they slept together, they probably did more than that… Ugh! It’s really revolting! Two women doing it. I want to throw up!

“Don’t do it dramatically. At the time I didn’t think of or as a lover.” Well, that’s pretty close to the truth. At that time I haven’t yet dreamed that my love for her has a chance to materialize. I didn’t know who I was yet. “Jazmin, I hope I brought you up in the right way, that is, to accept every person as they are, even more so your mother. You understand that…”

“I really can’t hear these stupid-crazy-psychologistic rubbish!” Jazmin defiantly covered her ears. “I’m not ready to hear that!” Where did my lesbian mom come from? What did I do wrong that I deserve this? “If that’s why you struggled to get your academic degrees, if I were you, I would give them up. These learned scribbles make no impression on me!”

“I don’t think these are scumbles. I’m just trying to update what’s going to happen here.”

“What is going to happen here is that a sexually frustrated woman has decided that she is suddenly a bloody lesbian and without any consideration decides to embarrass her family. This is what is going to happen here!”

Ronit shot her daughter a meticulous look. She felt she’s going to lose it, but restrained herself the best she could. “If we were in a movie scene right now, you would have been slapped so hard, that smoke would have gotten you out of your ears! What do you think to yourself, that you can be cheeky to me like that? Is this the education you received from me? What…”

“Really education! The educating lesbian! Such a terrific imparting of values, great! Really impressive, you can…”

“I suggest you keep your mouth shut so you don’t regret what you said later.” Ronit’s voice was subdued.

Jazmin gestured an ‘it’s a waste of time’ sign with her hand, but held her tongue. Ronit tried to stroke her shoulder, but Jazmin dodged her with protest, turning her insulted back on her.

“Jazmin, sweetie, this is not a way to behave. We need to talk about it, not sweep it under the carpet. It’s not going to go away. It’s a fact. I’m a lesbian and there’s nothing to do against it. It’s not a disease. It’s me.”

Jazmin shook her head from side to side, refusing to listen. Ronit wasn’t going to give up. “I decided to come out of the closet because I feel I have to do it. It’s not a whim I suddenly came up with. I had countless struggles about it. I didn’t get up with it one morning and…”

“That awful Or must have chased you and drove you crazy until she could convince you that you were like this, to get you into her bed. Clearly!”

“What are you talking about? Where did you get it? What a rich imagination you have! It’s my personal need and it doesn’t depend on anyone. Who chattered it to you? Lesbianism is something inherent to us. You can’t be convinced to be a lesbian. Either you are or you aren’t. You can’t get infected with it. ”

“I think that you weren’t happy with dad. I’m guessing that not sexual either. Have you ever been happy with any man? I mean…” The curiosity on her face was so obvious.

“I know what you mean,” Ronit disrupt her fiercely, “but I don’t think I should discuss my sexual life with to. I just explained to you that I was going to live with the woman I love and that’s it. I have no intention of getting into a discussion with you about my intimate life. I don’t think it’s your business! As I don’t go into yours, don’t go into mine, clear?”

Jazmin gazed at her helplessly. The recognition of the pointlessness of trying to change reality stood in front of her as a great and annoying sign of exclamation. “I understand that there is no hope… that nothing will change your opinion. What do you care about our feelings? About the shame?”

“What are you talking about? Are you ashamed of me? What is there to be ashamed of?”

“You… phew! I have no strength for you! Why are you pretending? Like you don’t know how people will react when they’d learn about this. Divorce is one thing, that is still possible, the whole world is divorcing today, but living with a woman? This is another issue. I have no idea how… and the gossip – I don’t know how I’d cope with it. ”

Ronit sat, leaning her head on her hands, looking at the blazing fire, wondering if it’s possible to turn the clock back and lead a quiet life, with no useless storms. The fire chips flew in every direction. She felt the burns and they scorched a lot. My daughter, my own flesh, a part of me, whom I raised to the glory of individuality and feminism, suddenly cares what the neighbours would say. Where did I fail? All the years of education I invest in her, as if they had never been.

Part 2 on 11.5.20

Hallucinating words

What Scares You?

Renee Maurice – I Started a Joke


There are smart women in my life who challenge me with what they are placing in front of me. I welcome them.


Shabbat. Noon. Sea. Everybody, except me, went out to get some air after the closure was removed. I prefer to take care of myself and not go out needlessly. My only need right now (and it was so from the beginning) is to see my beloved grandchildren face to face, hug and kiss them, but it will have to wait until all of it passes. It is still necessary to be careful. I’m not afraid of myself, because I’m immunized to all kinds, but I have no desire to infect any of my loved ones. I’m afraid it’s not safe to walk through the streets, even if you’re protected, wearing a mask and any other protection. Still, someone infected may pass ahead of you and you are doomed. No one knows for sure that the virus doesn’t pass through the air, so until proven otherwise – I’m careful the best I can.


As I sat on the balcony to breathe some air, I knew she would pop up. “What scares you?” The princess asks, looking at me with her big, curious eyes, watching the cup of coffee I’m holding I my hand and trying to drink.

“Me?” She nods at me as I try to bind my thoughts towards an answer. I don’t like to speak off the cuff and advocate that a reply needs thinking first. It takes time. She is very patiently silent. She has time. Me to. Where do we have to hurry to? She watches a bird squinting fiercely at her friends as she stands on the date tree, which the well-known worm has eaten it all from the inside, causing it to shed all its leaves. The bird looks back at the princess and I imagine how they have a telepathic dialogue between them. Unlike me, the bird can perceive the princess even without speaking loudly. “I have no idea,” I reply after a deep thought. “I can’t think of anything that scares me.”


“You’re brave!” The princess admires, still in eye contact with the bird.

“Not at all! What are you talking about? What courage is there?” I wonder in her ears.

“You said you can’t think of anything that scares you,” the Princess echoes my words accurately, “so that means you’re brave.” ‘Each one with her own conclusion’, I ponder, forgetting for a moment that the princess is able to read my mind. “That’s right,” she replies, “and that’s my conclusion from what you said.”


In one sentence:

The princess makes my grey cell work overtime. That’s good, even if I’m not a ballet dancer, it still helps to keep me on my toes.

Hallucinating words

It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 5

Carrie Underwood, Martina, Kacy, Jennifer & Reba – I Will Always Love You


And if that was not enough, R left me too. In a car accident. Two disasters in the same month. And again, I was left alone. Naturally. It seems that this is my natural status. Loneliness. And I longed for the both of you and I called you and I cried out for you two, but you did not come to me. I could not bear the pain. I was not strong enough. Again, I moved. Again, I changed my work. And I did not know you anymore. I erased you from my life. I uprooted you from my heart. It was not easy. Shall I tell you about the horrible dark nights, when I cried out for R to watch over me from the place she was at, to help me get over you? Do you want to know how it feels in the morning dressing the wounds of my heart, because I must go to work, and the minute I return to my own four walls, to discover that the bandages are soiled again? That the bleeding cannot be stopped? To hear the songs that we loved and climb on the walls? Time and again to fantasize you finding me in the place I ran away to, and you come and bring me back to the country I was doomed to see from a distance, yearningly? And the sense of what could have been? Knowing that one day, maybe in a million years, maybe in another world, you would wake up and tell yourself that you did us both wrong? That you are sorry? That you don’t know what has come over you? Finding myself standing next to the silent instrument, forcefully tying my hands together, not to call you? And memorize and forever remember that last look you gave me the day you told me you need your space back, after the weekend – when you lit that old fire in me again. That you mislead me to think things would be as before, and what happened was only a crisis, that’s all. The gaze that said you no longer want me.


A year. Look how time passes. A year already since you told me to get out of your living space. A year since my world collapsed. A year. This time a year ago, my world collapsed into tiny pieces. And there was no one to help me gather them. I had no one with me to help and support during the mourning of your departure. And time, as usual, kept moving on…

So, I wish to tell you, that’s it. I don’t need bandages anymore. Sometimes maybe a band aid now and then, when I see someone who reminds me of you, or when I read an exciting love scene in a book, or smell your perfume on a stranger… I no longer crash. And when the radio plays “our song”, my heart keeps beating. Regularly.

In two weeks there will be a memorial service for R. And I’ll come to her resting-place and I’ll express my longing for her and tell her I already got over you. And she will probably look at me from above and smile, and then whisper to me, like she used to: Good. I’m glad.


Dame Judi Dench – Send in the Clowns


Hallucinating words

It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 4


Florence + The Machine – You’ve Got the Love


Our weekly rendezvous, sometimes in your town, sometimes in mine, while your hand did not leave mine… Your soft, sweet, little hand. The departures that cruelly cut off our desire to stay together longer. That always ended with a kiss that left me craving for you with all my heart and soul… Our mobiles that smoked of… How sweet nostalgia is…

Our first night. I invited you over for the weekend. It was not easy. I did not know what I should do. Did not know if I’ll be in the mood… What I would desire… What you would… You arrived on Thursday after work. Once again, I escorted you on your way. This time – to me. I go down to wait for you. My heart is pounding strongly when you tell where you are, and I steer you to turn into the cross-road, the third turn to the right, then immediately to the left and left again, and here is your car and I point at an empty parking space. Faraway from the evil eye of the parking ticketers.

I am holding the handle of your car door and open it. You step out. I look into your eyes. You gaze at mine. My whole world focuses on you. In the magic that you are. Smiling. You take out your bag. I am taking your hand and we go up to my place. To my living space, that will also become yours in the next months.

The memories are so vivid. Even now, through the pain, the shock, the bleeding wound. Still. I open the door, step aside and invite you in. And from the moment the door is closed… Goodness, is there anything in the world that could equal to what we had between us? And what was going on between us? My whole world was shaken. You and I amid a white cloud. I bite my lips until they bleed while you show me your magic love. The fire burst in me, the burning flames, the bed sheets are on fire. And the smoke. Ho, the smoke. It billows up-up on to all seven heavens, lifts us to spheres I have never known existence.

I gave myself to you. I thought it would last forever… I thought that… What does it matter now what I thought. It did not happen. Four months of love you gave me. Four months in which we saturated our nights with love and talks and fun. When I recall it now, I wonder how we withstood those sleepless nights. We were intoxicated. With love. And sometimes we touched grief, those dark places in our lives we did not dare tell another soul. We were best of friends, very close. Our souls merged. We used to get up early, eat breakfast together and each went off to her job. At times, we stepped out of our four private walls. Sometimes, you stayed in your town, at your home. Sometimes, you invited me to your place. Other times, we allowed ourselves to give each other space and spent time separately each with our own friends. You introduced me to some of yours. You never manage to meet R. It did not happen. Perhaps deliberately. I don’t know. Maybe you did not deserve to know her.

You rationed me four months of euphoria and it seems you had enough. Suddenly, you found out that what charmed you in me at the beginning, does not suit you anymore. It’s not that you have changed. You sobered up. That’s what you said. And I used to stare at you with embarrassed lamb eyes and swallow the insult. All of a sudden, there was no heat anymore, no desire to be with me. As if all we had between us just faded away. As if nothing was there. It went up in flames. No firebrand left in you. And me… My life ended. I could not comprehend how love can fade away. Especially love like this. You wanted us to stay friends. You said it is possible because you treasure our touching each other’s soul. That you care for me. That you don’t want to cut our relationship off. It took me a while. A lot of time. But I could not understand this separation. The severance of love and a friendly relationship. How to separate one sanctity from another. Because it can’t be otherwise between us. And I could not accept it. Each time you tried to talk to me, each time I found you waiting at my door, each time you touched me, each time you made love to me… I bled. I could not really understand what it is that you wanted from me. You said your love for me has faded, so how come you wanted to make love to me? You turned my world upside down. I asked you to leave me alone. I begged you to spare me because I couldn’t bear the ambiguousness of this incomprehensible tango. One step forward and two backward. Brings me closer and pushes away. Teasing. You were teasing me, lady!

Part 5 coming up on 1.5.20

Hallucinating words

It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 3

Glenn Close, Judy Davis – Serving in Silence


When one door closes, another opens. Indeed, not always, but it happened to me. Someone nice from work, maybe my sad being touched her heart, invited me for coffee… and it seemed to be the beginning of a wonderful friendship… Such as I missed since I moved from my previous place and life. You know, sometimes there’s a click between people. A click that turns them into best friends, such that never divorces each other and it does not matter who or what comes between them. Not even a man.

She advised me as to what I should do. Remember the fax I “made a mistake with” and instead of faxing to someone else, it arrived on your machine? I have never revealed to you that it was planned. I never had the chance. And it started a new cycle of a magnificent telephone connection. You have suddenly realized that you missed me (so you said), but you were afraid to get in touch because you thought I was mad at you and you even imagined that I would hang up on you. You blessed my “mistake” and we returned to our sleepless nights. You did not give the internet up. You juggled between us. And I felt ok with that.

Again, you suggested we should meet. You said it does not make sense that we know each other for such a long time, nine months already, and we have not seen each other yet. Nine months of euphoria… I did not know what to do. I feared. No. Fear is an understatement. I was scared. I trembled. Great horror grabbed me and would not let go. I was terrified. And what if you won’t like me? You persuaded me that such a thing could not happen, you are not impressed by appearances, especially since we shared our souls so deeply on our sleepless nights. And besides, you added, we are not getting married, it’s not a blind date J You did not ease my doubts, but I could not resist anymore. You and your magnificent persuasion skills. You, whose profession was public relations, no wonder…

I will always treasure the day we met… Wednesday, five in the afternoon. The moment I laid my eyes on you – I knew something in me had changed. That I’ll never be the same. And it seems that that was the beginning of something special. I did not know then what it was exactly. We did not pay attention to the time and suddenly it was night and you had to go home, which was outside my zip code, half an hour away. I accompanied you to your car, holding in my hand (and in my heart) another moment with you, a few more minutes… We stood there silently, in the underground parking lot of the mall. After all the words we poured into each other’s ears, we did not wish to talk anymore. We looked deeply in each other’s eyes, yours with the flowing honey that streamed directly into my beating heart, enveloping it with magnificent sweetness… Suddenly you extended your arms and I sank into them… And before I could gather my confused mind because of the wonderful warmth that was beaming from you, you kissed my lips… The kiss went on and on and on… I was extremely excited. The first kiss ever from a woman.

And suddenly… suddenly I understood that everything that happened in my life until now, led me to experience this kiss. Two marriages, two divorces, and empty relationships with men who did not appeal to me in between. And that kiss of yours was what I have searched for all my life, that my whole life was aimed towards… And it seems that it was the beginning of a special love. I fell in love. With you. You conquered me.

We said goodbye, but did not separate. I remained standing there, staring at the curve where your car disappeared, unable to make myself move. I accompanied you on your way home. I escorted you on your way through our mobiles. And when you arrived home safely, you asked me to avoid spending the night in the parking lot… And now it was your turn to accompany me through my way home…

You asked if I was all right. I did not know for sure. I only knew that I was seriously in love. With a woman. For the first time in my life. Seriously smitten way over my head. Madly. And I knew what they call it. And I did not mind, because what flooded over me was the rightest thing I have ever felt my entire life. And I am no longer a spring chicken. And I had experienced a lot. And I have never really loved. I went through the motions, imitated the steps, played the game, but did not feel. My heart was never ever filled like this with this warm feeling.

Of course I told my girlfriend. This is what we have friends for. And she accepted it with such understanding, with such empathy, and she was happy her advice worked and I found love due to it. Days of bliss and nights of a joyous heart. Of coming home, taking a shower, making myself something tasty to eat, staring at the television and daydreaming about you. I sense you in my bones. Sometimes I even talked to you, as if you were present, sharing my life. Your invisible image was soaring in my apartment. I was not alone anymore.

Part 4 coming up on 27.4.20

Hallucinating words