It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 5

Carrie Underwood, Martina, Kacy, Jennifer & Reba – I Will Always Love You

 

And if that was not enough, R left me too. In a car accident. Two disasters in the same month. And again, I was left alone. Naturally. It seems that this is my natural status. Loneliness. And I longed for the both of you and I called you and I cried out for you two, but you did not come to me. I could not bear the pain. I was not strong enough. Again, I moved. Again, I changed my work. And I did not know you anymore. I erased you from my life. I uprooted you from my heart. It was not easy. Shall I tell you about the horrible dark nights, when I cried out for R to watch over me from the place she was at, to help me get over you? Do you want to know how it feels in the morning dressing the wounds of my heart, because I must go to work, and the minute I return to my own four walls, to discover that the bandages are soiled again? That the bleeding cannot be stopped? To hear the songs that we loved and climb on the walls? Time and again to fantasize you finding me in the place I ran away to, and you come and bring me back to the country I was doomed to see from a distance, yearningly? And the sense of what could have been? Knowing that one day, maybe in a million years, maybe in another world, you would wake up and tell yourself that you did us both wrong? That you are sorry? That you don’t know what has come over you? Finding myself standing next to the silent instrument, forcefully tying my hands together, not to call you? And memorize and forever remember that last look you gave me the day you told me you need your space back, after the weekend – when you lit that old fire in me again. That you mislead me to think things would be as before, and what happened was only a crisis, that’s all. The gaze that said you no longer want me.

 

A year. Look how time passes. A year already since you told me to get out of your living space. A year since my world collapsed. A year. This time a year ago, my world collapsed into tiny pieces. And there was no one to help me gather them. I had no one with me to help and support during the mourning of your departure. And time, as usual, kept moving on…

So, I wish to tell you, that’s it. I don’t need bandages anymore. Sometimes maybe a band aid now and then, when I see someone who reminds me of you, or when I read an exciting love scene in a book, or smell your perfume on a stranger… I no longer crash. And when the radio plays “our song”, my heart keeps beating. Regularly.

In two weeks there will be a memorial service for R. And I’ll come to her resting-place and I’ll express my longing for her and tell her I already got over you. And she will probably look at me from above and smile, and then whisper to me, like she used to: Good. I’m glad.

 

Dame Judi Dench – Send in the Clowns

 

Hallucinating words

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