It’s Over. The End. Summarizing / part 4


Florence + The Machine – You’ve Got the Love


Our weekly rendezvous, sometimes in your town, sometimes in mine, while your hand did not leave mine… Your soft, sweet, little hand. The departures that cruelly cut off our desire to stay together longer. That always ended with a kiss that left me craving for you with all my heart and soul… Our mobiles that smoked of… How sweet nostalgia is…

Our first night. I invited you over for the weekend. It was not easy. I did not know what I should do. Did not know if I’ll be in the mood… What I would desire… What you would… You arrived on Thursday after work. Once again, I escorted you on your way. This time – to me. I go down to wait for you. My heart is pounding strongly when you tell where you are, and I steer you to turn into the cross-road, the third turn to the right, then immediately to the left and left again, and here is your car and I point at an empty parking space. Faraway from the evil eye of the parking ticketers.

I am holding the handle of your car door and open it. You step out. I look into your eyes. You gaze at mine. My whole world focuses on you. In the magic that you are. Smiling. You take out your bag. I am taking your hand and we go up to my place. To my living space, that will also become yours in the next months.

The memories are so vivid. Even now, through the pain, the shock, the bleeding wound. Still. I open the door, step aside and invite you in. And from the moment the door is closed… Goodness, is there anything in the world that could equal to what we had between us? And what was going on between us? My whole world was shaken. You and I amid a white cloud. I bite my lips until they bleed while you show me your magic love. The fire burst in me, the burning flames, the bed sheets are on fire. And the smoke. Ho, the smoke. It billows up-up on to all seven heavens, lifts us to spheres I have never known existence.

I gave myself to you. I thought it would last forever… I thought that… What does it matter now what I thought. It did not happen. Four months of love you gave me. Four months in which we saturated our nights with love and talks and fun. When I recall it now, I wonder how we withstood those sleepless nights. We were intoxicated. With love. And sometimes we touched grief, those dark places in our lives we did not dare tell another soul. We were best of friends, very close. Our souls merged. We used to get up early, eat breakfast together and each went off to her job. At times, we stepped out of our four private walls. Sometimes, you stayed in your town, at your home. Sometimes, you invited me to your place. Other times, we allowed ourselves to give each other space and spent time separately each with our own friends. You introduced me to some of yours. You never manage to meet R. It did not happen. Perhaps deliberately. I don’t know. Maybe you did not deserve to know her.

You rationed me four months of euphoria and it seems you had enough. Suddenly, you found out that what charmed you in me at the beginning, does not suit you anymore. It’s not that you have changed. You sobered up. That’s what you said. And I used to stare at you with embarrassed lamb eyes and swallow the insult. All of a sudden, there was no heat anymore, no desire to be with me. As if all we had between us just faded away. As if nothing was there. It went up in flames. No firebrand left in you. And me… My life ended. I could not comprehend how love can fade away. Especially love like this. You wanted us to stay friends. You said it is possible because you treasure our touching each other’s soul. That you care for me. That you don’t want to cut our relationship off. It took me a while. A lot of time. But I could not understand this separation. The severance of love and a friendly relationship. How to separate one sanctity from another. Because it can’t be otherwise between us. And I could not accept it. Each time you tried to talk to me, each time I found you waiting at my door, each time you touched me, each time you made love to me… I bled. I could not really understand what it is that you wanted from me. You said your love for me has faded, so how come you wanted to make love to me? You turned my world upside down. I asked you to leave me alone. I begged you to spare me because I couldn’t bear the ambiguousness of this incomprehensible tango. One step forward and two backward. Brings me closer and pushes away. Teasing. You were teasing me, lady!

Part 5 coming up on 1.5.20

Hallucinating words

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