grownup

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i claim an aversion to softness,
withdraw my hand when something gives too easily,
and yet it’s always people like you. 

summers aren’t the same anymore.
i am so fucking desperate to believe
that they once were. 

 

i would stay awake all night because
i wanted more life i wanted as much
as i could take i wanted to set foot on
every inch of the earth i wanted to be
everyone i saw 

 

i only cry when i’m happy or angry or drunk and i think at one point i cried because i was sad maybe but that’s also been lost there was a shift a shift a shift and i don’t know if i’m turning back i don’t know if this is the right path the right shift i feel lost i might be sad at most points i’m drunk and angry and happy but still can’t let myself cry 

 

i sleep all day because
i want less life i want as little
as i can manage i want to withdraw from
every inch of the earth i want to be
invisible to
everyone i see 

 

winters aren’t the same anymore.
i am so fucking desperate to remember
the terror that once eclipsed me. 

 

i claim a desire for softness,
burrow in everything inoffensive,
and yet i am choking.

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