Coming Out / Part 1

Petshop Boys & Dusty SpringfieldWhat Have I Done to Deserve This

A story in 3 parts

“You’re not really going to do that!” The anger and insult in Jazmin’s voice could not be ignored. “So that’s why you deported dad from home so you can get a lover in his place?” When the hell did that happen to her? When was she able to “fall in love” with that woman? They never… they always behaved normally. I didn’t catch them in awkward situations… Occasionally Or would stay the night, but I never thought they did it… I always thought it was like I would bring my girlfriends to sleep over. I was sure that because they worked together, they preferred to conduct their discussions or consultations or whatever, in a homely atmosphere, rather than in the office. I would never have imagined that all this time they would f…

“Don’t talk like that! You know that’s not true. I didn’t expel your dad. It was a mutual decision of two people who realized there was no point in their life together.”

“Do you think I buy it? No way! You expelled him so you can live with this woman!” And now you’ve ruined my life completely. How did I not notice that they were holding hands? I always thought it was such an innocence, out of friendship. Friendship, not something else! My mom is a Lesbian! Phew! Why is she doing this to me? I never caught them kissing or anything, but if they slept together, they probably did more than that… Ugh! It’s really revolting! Two women doing it. I want to throw up!

“Don’t do it dramatically. At the time I didn’t think of or as a lover.” Well, that’s pretty close to the truth. At that time I haven’t yet dreamed that my love for her has a chance to materialize. I didn’t know who I was yet. “Jazmin, I hope I brought you up in the right way, that is, to accept every person as they are, even more so your mother. You understand that…”

“I really can’t hear these stupid-crazy-psychologistic rubbish!” Jazmin defiantly covered her ears. “I’m not ready to hear that!” Where did my lesbian mom come from? What did I do wrong that I deserve this? “If that’s why you struggled to get your academic degrees, if I were you, I would give them up. These learned scribbles make no impression on me!”

“I don’t think these are scumbles. I’m just trying to update what’s going to happen here.”

“What is going to happen here is that a sexually frustrated woman has decided that she is suddenly a bloody lesbian and without any consideration decides to embarrass her family. This is what is going to happen here!”

Ronit shot her daughter a meticulous look. She felt she’s going to lose it, but restrained herself the best she could. “If we were in a movie scene right now, you would have been slapped so hard, that smoke would have gotten you out of your ears! What do you think to yourself, that you can be cheeky to me like that? Is this the education you received from me? What…”

“Really education! The educating lesbian! Such a terrific imparting of values, great! Really impressive, you can…”

“I suggest you keep your mouth shut so you don’t regret what you said later.” Ronit’s voice was subdued.

Jazmin gestured an ‘it’s a waste of time’ sign with her hand, but held her tongue. Ronit tried to stroke her shoulder, but Jazmin dodged her with protest, turning her insulted back on her.

“Jazmin, sweetie, this is not a way to behave. We need to talk about it, not sweep it under the carpet. It’s not going to go away. It’s a fact. I’m a lesbian and there’s nothing to do against it. It’s not a disease. It’s me.”

Jazmin shook her head from side to side, refusing to listen. Ronit wasn’t going to give up. “I decided to come out of the closet because I feel I have to do it. It’s not a whim I suddenly came up with. I had countless struggles about it. I didn’t get up with it one morning and…”

“That awful Or must have chased you and drove you crazy until she could convince you that you were like this, to get you into her bed. Clearly!”

“What are you talking about? Where did you get it? What a rich imagination you have! It’s my personal need and it doesn’t depend on anyone. Who chattered it to you? Lesbianism is something inherent to us. You can’t be convinced to be a lesbian. Either you are or you aren’t. You can’t get infected with it. ”

“I think that you weren’t happy with dad. I’m guessing that not sexual either. Have you ever been happy with any man? I mean…” The curiosity on her face was so obvious.

“I know what you mean,” Ronit disrupt her fiercely, “but I don’t think I should discuss my sexual life with to. I just explained to you that I was going to live with the woman I love and that’s it. I have no intention of getting into a discussion with you about my intimate life. I don’t think it’s your business! As I don’t go into yours, don’t go into mine, clear?”

Jazmin gazed at her helplessly. The recognition of the pointlessness of trying to change reality stood in front of her as a great and annoying sign of exclamation. “I understand that there is no hope… that nothing will change your opinion. What do you care about our feelings? About the shame?”

“What are you talking about? Are you ashamed of me? What is there to be ashamed of?”

“You… phew! I have no strength for you! Why are you pretending? Like you don’t know how people will react when they’d learn about this. Divorce is one thing, that is still possible, the whole world is divorcing today, but living with a woman? This is another issue. I have no idea how… and the gossip – I don’t know how I’d cope with it. ”

Ronit sat, leaning her head on her hands, looking at the blazing fire, wondering if it’s possible to turn the clock back and lead a quiet life, with no useless storms. The fire chips flew in every direction. She felt the burns and they scorched a lot. My daughter, my own flesh, a part of me, whom I raised to the glory of individuality and feminism, suddenly cares what the neighbours would say. Where did I fail? All the years of education I invest in her, as if they had never been.

Part 2 on 11.5.20

Hallucinating words

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