Gilbert Bécaud – Nathalie
“Hey, life is not so heavy,” whispered the pleasant feminine voice in my ears above the noisy music. I turned my head and stared at her mutely, my heart speeds up its beatings. “Smile a tad,” she flashed her white teeth. My lips stretched a little, but I felt no joy, as I would probably should. It was the first time since my operation at my top body part that I went out to display myself in public and it was not easy. Although the initial pains and difficulties were behind me, but there was still a long way in front of me at the path I have delineated to myself since I came to the decision to unite my body and mind.
And now, a dizzying woman stood in front of me, her eyes inviting me to meet life. I did not dare till now. Hopes and participations filled what I couldn’t call life. Not yet. I was just in the middle of the process of adjusting my body to the woman in me.
“Fancy dancing?” Her hand grasps mine and she drags me after her to the dancing floor. I do fancy, but I’m not sure my legs are capable to do so. Determinedly, she puts my hands on her waist and wraps hers around my nape. The music blows my ears up and both of us move coordinatingly. Her face reaches the décolletage of my dress, her lips fluttering-rubbing the cloth. My nipples react. How could they not… Waves of heat spread in my body.
“Come.” Again, she drags me with her, this time to the floor above. The clicks of our heels are swallowed up by the carpet covering the stairs. She stops for a minute, let go of my hand and removes her shoes. “Surely, the person who invented the heels was not in our favour, us women”, she explicates. I nod agreeably, not daring to do the same, even if I’m not at all comfortably. I never was. The need to be more of a woman than the average one, still urges in me. The need to prove I really am a woman. To whom, really? I know who I am, why do I need to convince others? Well, it is obvious – like each of us, I need approval to my existence. Nobody lives in a bubble.
A bubble. Low music welcomes us, a relief to the ears that experienced the blast at the floor underneath. Sittings are scattered in the dim hall. Shadows budge on the walls. Whisperings. I notice lying bodies, twisting. Desire is in the air.
She drops on a sofa in the corner. I stand rooted in my place; my ogle gaze is pinned to the wall, above her head. Invitingly, she pats on the seat beside her and I force my legs to fold in.
A waitress puts a jar of orange juice and two glasses in front of us. She pours us with a steady hand and leaves. I concentrate in my drink and sip it slowly, trying to calm down the tremble that shakes my soul. My limbs are stiff. I hear her putting her glass and feel her hand patting my arm. I turn to her. Meeting her eyes. So soft. Melting.
“You are so sexy,” she says to me, her voice hoarse. I can’t find my tongue. It was been swallowed in her mouth with a kiss that dazzles my head. Her hands take mine and tighten them to her. I sense her full breast pressed to my palms. A woman. I want to sink into her. Her mouth leaves mine; my fingers direct her lips to my breasts, shaped by a master surgeon. The sensation is amazing. Above and beyond everything I fantasized during the suffering and yearning years. Wow, this woman really wants me! And I want her… But… Again, this familiar but. The fear of the look in her eyes… The surprise… The reluctant… Perhaps even repulsion… What do I need it for? No! I firmly say to myself, pushing away her good intentions. Perhaps someday I’ll find enough courage in me to go all the way. I’m cutting myself off her and stand up. Lucky, I tightened it properly, since the streaming blood in me might revile…
“What’s wrong?” Her wondering eyes sending sparkles at me. It blinds me. I can’t. Not yet. It’s too soon for me. “Hey,” her arms wrap around me, “where are you running to?” Her warm touch settles my fear a little, but the need to bunker inside of me, is stronger. I glance at her a slanted hesitant gaze and turn to flee for my life.
The cool night’s air restores my breath a little. October in Paris. The Eiffel Tower flickers in the distance. Should I take a cab or walk? The shoes are not suitable, but the walking could do me good.
“Running is not helpful,” she again. “I know very well what you are going through. I was also in the place you are in now.” Her eyes cling to mine, not letting me lower them. Her hand on my shoulder is so hot, almost burning the skin. “The anxiety, the hesitations, the fear of the actual transform. And it does not disappear. Just like the scars. A permanent reminder… But the wisdom is to accept and know how to live with it. And the emphasis is on live.”
Excitement flashes my cheeks with crimson. Wow! A woman like me. Who wants me! Who will accept me as I am! “You… I mean… Have you gone through all of it? Everything?” I find my voice for the first time this evening.
A smile rises on her lips, she directs her firm, steady gaze towards me. “Would you like to find out?” Her voice is teasing.
I-do-want-want-want… A yearning is going wild in me. I-do-want-want-want… I let her lead me after her. I-do-want-want-want…