Gislaine Garcia

I Pray

Can you tell me how you pray ?

For me it’s different you see

I stand up tall

Face the sun and all 

Engulf in the energy the Universe has for me 

I curve

Fetal position 

Late at night when the pain in my heart gains weight and holds me down so I can’t escape 

I pray 

On my knees 

When in need 

I knead my prayers very carefully 

create sentences out of sounds 

In hopes that’ll it get to your ears somehow

I pray 

in silence 

When I’m walking down the street 

And start to feel defeat 

No blessed reason at all

Those moments when my own brain forces me to crawl 

I pray 

When my heart flutters a little too hard 

Because I’ve been through it before 

And all I created was works of art 

My pain

black ink 

On a page where words are drawn

And 

I pray 

La Isla Bonita

Before you
I had never been in Love

It was like I had finally reached this unknown beautiful island

after a long rough journey

of searching for what I thought I had found


One that blinded me with its majestic palm trees and it’s blazing sun
The warm sand under me soothed my emotions, and the breeze

allowed me to breathe.


I didn’t allow the thought of such a creation from the heavens above,

to be the death of me.


I wasn’t ready for the sun to burn my skin
I wasn’t ready for the breeze to freeze me
I was not ready for the beautiful palm trees to be the reason I wouldn’t sleep
When I swore there were shadows lurking in the dark of night
I wasn’t ready for the once soothing sand to be painful when it dug into my burnt skin as I tried to rest at night
I didn’t prepare myself for the way the island would slowly kill me


And willingly I would give myself


Because the beauty of the enchantment cut off the pain
And the blood it drew from my wounds eventually faded into the clear blue sea
It wasn’t until I realized I was dying
That I woke up from this fake reality.

I blame the island for having just been there
Why had you been created so perfectly?
Your intentions were not evil
But you killed me
I was once enchanted with the idea of love


I was naive and didn’t know what it was
I found someone who took more than they gave
But I didn’t see the uneven ways
The pain the hurt the challenge
Was all forgotten by kindness
The kindness that flows from forgiveness
When someone breaks your heart

Blue is the Warmest Color

Although this is not my first time watching the movie, as I had previously watched it when I was younger, it was my first time trying to break down the movie from my new perspective as a young queer adult. Watching this movie as a teenage queer individual I was able to indulge fully in a movie about sexual self discovery, the process of betrayal, and later on the power of walking away. I became so immersed with this movie because it was the closest representation that I had of myself. A young women falling in love with another, and a whole movie about it? I was all for it.

Now, as I dissect the movie a bit more I become more aware of how this movie still resonates with me. Not only did I see myself as younger Adele and her struggle to accept her own sexuality while unafraid to indulge in it, but I saw myself as Emma too. Super comfortable and unapologetic about who she is, although you see her bend at times for the sake of Adele. It was interesting to be able to relate to juxtaposing positions although they were both intertwined.

Watching the struggle that Adele goes through after the end of her relationship allowed me to wallow in pain that I had, yet was not allowing myself to feel. A pain that later turns into the strength she gathers to go and see this exhibition that Emma has invited her, and also the strength she gathers to leave. Although I had not understood the reason behind her not staying to talk to the young gentleman before, I more than understood it this time. Adele was aware of her own need to heal and she steps away, because although the wound isn’t fresh, it still very much sensitive. In that moment I was able to understand as well. I thought watching this movie I would be more critical, but was pleased to know that I just needed a personal cry of my own, and that on it’s own is liberating.

Food, for the Soul

I’ve been tracing back my ancestry
Through the flavors of my mother’s food  
The fresh smell of a home cooked meal will forever make my mouth water 

As my tongue dances with the flavors

Recipes
passed down from generations

Delves deep into my senses as they explore,

And as they’ve begun to conquer
I chew. 
Break down the things I’ve been fed
And swallow them
Break down the things you’ve been force fed and reject to acknowledge them
As truth
Flavors have been teaching me about my ancestry since before I was born

My mother tells me
About how she wanted a coffee child
To hold against her vanilla complexion
She told me, I am priceless.
Called me her diamanté negro
Her canela finá

Brown sugar melted becoming my skin
I’ve learned to savor myself through times and times of hunger

You see
These times
I learned about God
Watched my mother kneel
Pray
I’ve watched her make miracles
My Goddess
Creating full meals out of nothing

I’ve watched the Universe give
Time after time again.


I’ve learned about my being and belonging
Through plates of food that make the soul content
My mother always bringing me back

for

Just a little more

Cass

Pain
That is what I caused
As I sliced your heart with my sharp words
The incisions I created were not intentional
I promise
I lost control of the exacto knife while tracing the outline of your heart 


I had punctured an artery and the bleeding wouldn’t stop 

Believe me 

I know first hand the pain that follows a broken heart
And I promised myself I would not tear someone else’s apart

If you think I tripped you over
Made you fall for me and then didn’t catch you

That’s a lie

I caught you time after time

 

We don’t talk.

Keep seeing 9:23 on the clock

A time that I have solidified with your existence

A number that transports me back to that existent 

Memories

Where all I did was make you smile

 

I hope you forgive me someday

Till then,

I wish you blessings beyond descriptions

Yours truly Noah the shrimp

Indescribable

I will try to describe the indescribable

I will try to put into words the emotions crossing through my mind when I think of you

It’s not easy

So bare with me

It is this avalanche of words that decides to clog up my throat

Denying me the ability to make any sound  

So this explains the unique moments in which you leave me speechless

Especially when no one is around

It is your soft breath as it caresses my skin when we intertwine

Our bodies into a sculpture

One too original to duplicate.

Have you ever seen the way your eyes gleam when you smile?

Those eyes always have me in denial

Of the cheesy things I want to say

In the moments you’ve had me vulnerable

When you call me beautiful

And I feel naked for a better sense of the word

You don’t physically take my clothes off to be intimate

Instead you peel me from within

Kiss me with the lips

you use to talk

Your eyebrows

I love how they mesh together at the arch

Your face as it curves at the waterfall of your cheeks and plummets to your chin

Raw moments when you hold nothing in

It is the nasty things you want to do

It is the fact that you are truth

Let me really try to describe what I feel for you.

It is the smell

After rain

When you are deep in the forest

Raw, full, distinct.

No way of confusing that with anything

when there is nothing like it

It is the feeling that a roller coaster creates at the pit of your stomach

As it fuels you with adrenaline

And you can’t get enough

You are my addictive rush

A combination of all the reasons why I’ve ever smiled

Yet feel like I haven’t smiled enough

Let me tell you something

I don’t have to see you naked to know the redefined jewels that you possess

Your mind

Your spirit

Your heart

Not even diamonds could play those parts

For you are priceless

You

A combination of words that I have yet to come up with 

A description of the perfect sentence for the imperfectly perfect woman

It is not easy, for you are indescribable, yet still I’m here trying to do it.

I liked a girl, but did not know!

I woke up that morning and I was ready. Kindergarten here I come! Finally, I was a big girl. The trip to school was almost too long to remember so I don’t remember it. All I remember is getting to those big brick red doors. Smiling a bit too much, turning around ready to say goodbye, and catching the glimmer of my mother’s tears at the edge of her eyes. Her sad smile broke me and so I went to her. Hugged her and she laughed. “¿No deberías estar llorando tú?” (Aren’t you supposed to be crying?) she asked as she wiped away her tears. I had seen her smile so I knew she was just sad cause she’d miss me, and I’d be back so… I ran for the red brick doors once again. I looked up as the doors started to open and saw the endless beige hallways. I walked in and stared in awe.

I had never been inside this building so everything was a new experience. From the sound of my shoes tap tapping along the floor to the many new voices of students throughout the hall, still I was ready. Walking towards what I later discovered was my room, I saw a pair of sapphire eyes. They caught my attention but my excitement overpowered and I continued. I roamed around for a little, exploring. After sometime I found my teacher and with her a whole bunch of what I hoped would be my friends.

We all introduced ourselves and played games. I had so much fun. While waiting for lunch I saw her. Straight dark chocolate hair and a smile that was … sooo pretty. I wasn’t going to say anything, what would I say ? I had no clue. So I decided I wouldn’t, but right before I made that decision she looked at me. There they were. Those sapphire eyes again.

I do not recall this encounter in anyway sexual.

You see, my first attraction to a female, was way beyond my knowledge about sexuality. I remember a world in which gay and lesbian were the only other sexual orientations I knew existed. A time when the only other way to possibly describe why another girl was “sooooo pretty,” and I mean “Soooooooooo pretty,” was because I was just admiring. I was admiring. I really was actually. The world I remember was not necessarily cruel, but it was

The first encounter was X. I don’t remember her name but I do know it started with an X and she was absolutely “sooooooo pretty.” I was in kindergarten and she was in my class. Long and thick straight black hair, piercing blue eyes, and a smile that I remember wanting to capture. I took her picture at the end of the school year. Wanted to “remember her” even though I definitely had more than 25 others kids in my class. Although back then I would not have classified as a crush, I definitely see what it always was. I liked a girl, but did not know!