Alex

Alex (they/them/theirs) is a twitch affiliated gaming streamer.  Alex is gender fluid and hopes to give courage to others to become pioneer queers.

I found you

 

You were lost for many years
As I grew and changed and didn’t know why.
Everyone else was looking too
But they seemed to be finding what they were after
I didn’t know it, but all I had to do was be patient
And then I would find you.

It took me by suprise, cause I thought I found you sooner
But there you were clear as day
I found you, through the eyes of another
Who already knew where you were.
The words made so much sense
They were so familiar
But I hadn’t heard them before today.

I found you
The words that meant “me”
The bits and pieces I was missing.
The labels that represent me
I found you
And you made things clear
When I thought I knew everything I needed.

Now I tell you, the distant reader
That you will find it too.
Those words that speak of who you are
And make you “you”
Are closer than you think.
I promise you, that they will find you
Just as they found me
And the trick is
You don’t even
need to
look.

Poly

Why do I have to choose who I love when there are so many people
So many wonderful people that I cant help but to squeeze into my heart permanently
The writer. The dancer. The gamer. The painter.
Each their own. Each different. Each loveable
Dont they all deserve love?
Why must I play roulette with the deepest of emotions in my soul?
Dont tell me I have to train my heart to forget them all
When I know deep inside that love is unlimited and unyeilding
The hopeful. The depressed. The broken. The hurting.
Dont tell them that they are not enough when I cant take a single step outside my door
Without reading another page from each story that they have laid out for me
And Im just getting to the good part
No, the best part!
These stories are written in stone and every word is so deep
They are titanium in my soul
They are so complex. So perfect yet so flawed
So near but so far.
The fearful. The singer. The doubter. The listener
A home is not bright from one light
A song is not made from one note
A masterpiece is not made from one brushstroke
A soul is not saved by one person.
It is understood that love and people are complex and adapting yet one person is meant to accomodate that
One person is meant to match perfectly the ebbs and flows of the river of personality
When we know the same ship that braves the furious typhoons in the deepest ocean
Would tear to shreds on the floor of the calming shallows
The actor. The searcher. The dreamer. The thinker.
I love them all and I will not be told that this is wrong
Love can not be wrong.

What is Me?

When I looked in the mirror and saw this distant formless mess
I couldnt believe that it was me because I was told that he was me,
And day after day I dig and tunnel through this face and try to find
What the world was seeing that I was missing.
I stare in silence, change the shape, grow the bangs shave the sides
Looking for the mirror to show the spirit I knew was inside
Is this what my brother felt? Is it fair to compare the feeling?
He is so sure that he is he and why doesnt that fit me?
Why am I so formless? What even is me?
Why cant I find….
A word.
The language I speak fails to find a word that fits me
like he or she
Has it been the words that have betrayed me as I shape and mold the clay
Into some socially unrecognizable form
That even though Ive found the words im still told that I must fit
Into a mold I was not made from.
A mold I was not designed for.
I am not he, I am not she
But still I force a shape as close as I can get,
And what gets made does not have smooth edges or rounded corners
It is a mass of dents and imperfections and could-bes and should-bes
And the harder I try the messier it gets because no one taught me how to sculpt
And I have unsteady hands and a scattered mind
And I just want to be me
But all Ive been given is he

How to be your own role model

Hello all!  If you have spent as much time on the internet as I have, you are probably familiar with the fact that most media websites can be pretty LGBTQIA+ unfriendly.  Being queer, the relationship I have with the internet is often bittersweet, and that has become doubly true now that I am attempting to form a career on it!
I decided I wanted to be a twitch streamer as soon as I discovered the website.  Live performance mixed with video games?  My two passions?  You better believe I was sold instantly!  However at the time I had not explored my identity and thus the mostly cisgender straight male streaming community left me with lots of role models and examples to look up to.  In the several years building up to my first livestream I learned more and more about my identity and the list of people like me I could look up to became less and less until finally I was my only role model.  On a website where “gay” was still used as an insult, women streamers were constantly objectified to the point of having to revolve their brands around their physical features (an issue I hope to go much further in depth on at a later date), and breaking the format usually meant becoming the object of much harassment, I had to make myself a home within this community.

I had to ask myself a lot of questions as the time came ever closer for my first livestream.  Should I come out?  Is it even safe to come out?  If I do come out what is the best time?  There was nowhere to turn for examples and nobody to ask for advice.  I had to become my own role model on an entirely new platform for myself.

When I first started streaming I didn’t even come close to hinting at being queer.  Not a single mention of it.  I had no idea what being queer on a platform like this would mean for me or my future as an internet performer.  I stuck to whatever pronouns people assumed I used, and rolled with what I was given thinking it was going to be permanent.  As time went on though, I gained some loyal viewership and began mentioning that I was queer and posted on my channel that it was an LGBTQIA+ channel.  This did make my viewership grow slower, but something magical happened.  The chat room for my channel became a community of people supporting each other fantastically!  Hearts being thrown around, dotted with encouraging messages and tips to boost each other’s streams!

The moral of this entry on the blog is that being queer in the age of queerness, it’s very possible that you might have to be your own queer role model on a new platform.  I’m here to tell you that no matter how scary it is, there are safe places even in deeply toxic communities.  Your community will become your role model.  The love and support you inevitably receive as you progress will become your role model.  Take those first unsure footsteps into a new world and you WILL become your own role model, and even the role model for a few others too!

This is for me (but it’s not mine)

This is for me
I was built for this
But it’s not mine

The darkness fades
But only for a moment
This wasn’t made for you

I wake up every day, ready for the world
Smile on my face and the strength to begin
But something isn’t right

This is what I love
I chose this for a reason
But is that my choice to make?

This doesn’t belong to me
I don’t deserve this
So why does it feel so good?

I built this from the ground up
I earned everything I have
But maybe I worked for selfish reasons

If I keep going I’ll feel better
When I watch the numbers climb I’ll smile
But maybe today is when the numbers shrink

Others do it so much better
And even more deserve the piece im taking
Yet here I am, hoarding what I can

I love what I do
And I love those who do it too
But that doesn’t matter when I can’t love me.