We’re on Break!

Image Caption: Black and rainbow text on a rainbow background that reads “We’re taking a short break. See you all on January 15th! Hope your holidays are merry and gay from all of us at Queeries Blog.

The Shelf: Episode 24

Welcome back to The Shelf, a film review podcast about the physical media we carry with us. This week we bring you a very special episode! A physical media experience like no other! Nic and Hannah watched Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone IN SYNC with Brad Neely’s magnificent audio track companion, Wizard People, Dear Reader. Join your friends as they discuss their relationship to the Destroyer of Worlds— Harry Potter, do bad impressions of funny people, and wax nostalgia over Wizard Rock and Puppet Pals. 

If you’re having trouble loading in this browser, you can also access the episode externally here: The Shelf, Episode 24: Wizard People, Dear Reader (Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone)

 

The Shelf: Episode 23

Welcome back to The Shelf, a film review podcast about the physical media we carry with us. Are you part of the proletariat class? Are you tired of the bourgeoisie pigs keeping you down? Are you ready to start a revolution? Then join Nic and Hannah this week as they watch the film The Trotsky, and learn everything you didn’t (or did) already know about the Marxist theorist and Soviet revolutionary— Leon Trotsky.

If you’re having trouble loading in this browser, you can also access the episode externally here: The Shelf, Episode 23: The Trotsky

 

I love you I do

I have believed in love
On the wings of heartbreak
                                    In my mind
The clock moves
Children laugh
Water drips
Bees stings
Birds fly
Wind blows
Bread provides comfort
Alcohol gives permission
Tongues slips
Mouths kisses
Noses smell
Red
Roses
Red
Bricks
freshly washed
By august rain
occasionally
the moon is
Purple
Making the
World circulation
More interesting and
Questionable
In my mind
All of this
Is possible
                                    Because
You seriously love me

                                    but in reality
im sittin here thinking
pen to paper
water hot
tea steeped
honey sweet
all true
all true
but
your love for me.

The Shelf: Episode 22

Welcome back to The Shelf, a film review podcast about the physical media we carry with us. Where do dreams go to die? Tucson, Arizona! This week, Nic and Hannah watched the Steve Coogan comedy Hamlet 2, an “inspirational teacher movie” parody that’s cuckoo-bananas fun for the whole family!

If you’re having trouble loading in this browser, you can also access the episode externally here: The Shelf, Episode 22: Hamlet 2

 

I’m growing old and I wanna go home

Trigger Warning: Depression, loss, loss of family

I went to a party last night. It was a Halloween party. Specifically, Halsey’s Almost Famous Halloween party. I went with someone who I consider a close friend. And I had a blast. I made new friends, I got to hang out with old friends. I allowed myself one drink (someone had to drive home). I played video games. I ate free grilled cheese. I danced like no one was watching. I smiled. I laughed. I took pictures. I stayed up way past my bedtime. I had fun.

My wife was Cyndi Lauper. I was Billie Joe Armstrong.

Today, I was exhausted. My body let me sleep a solid 6 hours before it woke me up. Every little thing I did today took more energy than I had. Getting up to pee. Brushing my teeth. Making my bed. All I wanted to do today was lay on my couch and watch Grey’s Anatomy. But Petsmart was having their puppy trick or treat event today and Stella’s best friend was going to be there. So I put clothes I could go out in public in on and went to Petsmart. Once we finished there, I dropped off my wife and my dog and went and got my haircut and put gas in my car. I then came home and threw some chips and cheese on a plate and called it lunch. For the next few hours we binged Grey’s but then Brit got an email about a candle sale going on at Bath and Body Works, so clothes went back on and we went to the mall. After that, we wanted to try a new place for dinner and drove 20 minutes out of our way to do so but the place didn’t exist. So we got Chipotle instead. We talked on the phone with a friend having problems with her relationship for 45 minutes. 3 hours later we made it back home.

My dog Stella is on the right. Her best friend Mia, a 2 pound yorkie is in the giant dogs arms.

We just watched Grey’s for the last 3 hours. I’m exhausted. I just want to sleep. We just got back from taking our pup for a walk and we’re in bed and my brain, my stupid brain, decided it wanted to think about all the things I’m angry at and upset about and sad about all at once and I haven’t stopped crying in half an hour.

I talked to Brit about it. I talked about how people keep talking about how they like it when I let my hair grow out but I hate when my hair is long because I feel like it makes me look fat and I don’t feel like I’m in control because it’s too long to do anything about. I talked about how I hate my body because ever since I got injured, I haven’t been as active as I was and I feel like I’m just getting fatter and fatter each and every day. I talked about how I feel like I’m in a creative funk and how I’ve wanted to film videos for my YouTube channel or go out and take pictures but every time I try even a little, I feel like nothings good enough so I stopped trying. I talked about how I don’t like talking about it but I have very little interest in anything right now because I kinda just feel like a failure.

I told her that last night, when we were driving home and we were talking about stuff and she said that she feels lucky that she got a good one, it made me feel good for the first time in a long time.

I didn’t talk about how I miss my grandparents more than ever right now. Not this time at least. I bring it up at least once a week. I feel like she knows. She doesn’t need me to remind her again. I didn’t talk about how I think about all the people I consider close friends, the people I love and care about deeply, the people who I feel know me better than i know myself sometimes and how a lot of them don’t even talk to me anymore. I didn’t talk about how many people I’ve texted and reached out to multiple times and still haven’t heard back. I didn’t talk about how I feel like a shitty friend because I don’t wanna leave my house after 8 because I’m a home body. I didn’t talk about how I feel like people don’t want to be my friend anymore because of it. I didn’t talk about how many times I’ve silently said goodbye to people and felt a broken heart over because I’m no longer important to them like I once was. I didn’t talk about how alone I feel.

My grandparents, thankfully, made it to my wedding. My grandmother, Ganny, had dementia. This was the last day I ever saw her as
the woman I grew up with. I lost my grandfather, Papa, in June of this year. I think that started everything for me.

I did say I wish I could afford to talk to someone. But I don’t even know if I’m gonna afford rent this month. I did apologize over and over and over for my stupid brain making me cry. She kept asking me why I was sorry. I kept telling her because my brain is stupid.

I’ve been battling with this depression since June. It’s been one of the longest bouts of real fucked up depression in my life. I don’t think I’ve ever struggled with my body and my brain and my value ever like this before. I don’t think I’ve ever avoided looking at myself in the mirror because I thought I was disgusting. I don’t think I’ve ever changed an outfit three, four, five times in one morning because everything I put on fits wrong. I don’t think I’ve ever been so angry at friends because they aren’t texting me, because they aren’t reaching out to me. I don’t think I’ve ever been so busy and yet felt so sad and lonely at the same time.

Last night I went to a halloween party. For one night, I dressed up as someone else and I put on a mask and I allowed myself to have fun. This morning, my brain couldn’t handle it anymore and I’ve now been crying for the last hour. I’m tired. I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m frustrated. I’m lonely. I don’t feel creative. I don’t feel excited. I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel valued. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel motivated. I struggle each and every day just to get out of bed.

I took this picture a few weeks ago. I feel like I’ve perfected that smile.

We were playing Pokemon Go. I felt happy for a moment. It didn’t last long.

The Shelf: Episode 21

Welcome back to The Shelf, a film review podcast about the physical media we carry with us. It’s football Sunday ya’ll! And what better way to celebrate than by watching the romantic, melancholy, indie film The Go-Getter?! Nic and Hannah come along for the ride with Mercer, a sad sweet boy on a meandering road trip, as he copes with loss and finds unexpected love.

If you’re having trouble loading in this browser, you can also access the episode externally here: The Shelf, Episode 21: The Go-Getter

 

 

Smiling Warmly

 Like a warm peanut butter and banana sandwich
Like a rose candle lit by a lilac
And a sex on the beach poured in a martini glass
like a dog named “Skipper” or “Dallas” being lulled to sleep
by the sounds of the wind brushing snow to east
Your strange love is what I need most and don’t expect it to happen until it happens. 

I am grateful for you.